I grew up in Staten Island, New York.
It might not sound like it, but I did.
Staten Island is like Brooklyn and New Jersey had a baby.
A baby that would grow up to be either a cop or a fireman.
And you know, Staten Island gets a bad rap,
but, really, it's just like any other suburb.
I mean, sure, it looks like this.
And this.
is that Staten Island also looks like this.
And this.
And for me,
since I was old enough to remember looked like this.
The Great Kills Swim Club.
This is where I spent every waking hour of my summers.
From 8:00 a.m. swim practice until they threw us out at night,
this is where I found friendship.
This is where I tasted victory and defeat.
Where I fell in love.
And it's where I had the best job in the history of the world.
I was a lifeguard.
Now, there are beach lifeguards who actually guard lives.
Wendell, I told you to get out.
And then there are pool guards...
Make me.
...who basically do this.
The only reason I became a lifeguard is because of this idiot.
My best friend in the whole world, Frank Gomes.
Frank said that girls couldn't resist a man in uniform
and that we'd be, quote...
Don't drown.
"...knee-deep in snizz."
But the only thing Frank was knee-deep in was the baby pool.
Hey, what you got there?
SPF 50? No wonder you two look so young.
You know, if we hooked up,
I'd have to turn myself in for statutory rape.
Statutory rape's the not-bad rape.
Hey. No leaving.
but Staten Island girls were never interested in me and Frank.
They were always too busy fawning over this kind of guy.
You know, I'm pretty sure you guys are just aiming too high.
That's Anthony De Bono.
It's really funny, though. You should keep doing it.
sculpted right out of a suburban mom's sex fantasy.
Hello, beautiful ladies. How's everybody doing?
Candace, I love the new suit. That's very cute.
Anthony was joining the Navy.
If he could pass the written exam, which he could not.
Hope I don't get you too wet.
As far as I could tell, being in the Navy was, like,
90% pushups and 10% saying "God bless America".
That's how they do it in the Navy.
God bless America.
That's Mary Ellen.
Stupid. Ah! What the fuck?
Her dad was a cop, and she was basically raised a dude.
Pee in my pool? Uh-uh. Punks get dunked.
The guy rolling in an hour and a half late to work?
That was Billy Thomson.
Better known as Skootch.
Skootch did this year round.
Summers at the swim club and winters at the YMCA.
He was a lifeguard. That's all he was.
- He was Skootch. - Skootch!
We were a team.
United together against this one asshole.
Our manager, Chuck Casino.
Mr. Marcus, how are you?
They find your kid?
They will.
Mr. Stewart, my man.
Hey, here they go, one, two, three musketeers.
Chuck thought he ran the place.
I am the captain of this ship.
This is my Amistad.
But no one runs summer.
It was paradise.
But hey, even Adam and Eve couldn't stay in heaven forever.
And right after Labor Day...
You're leaving us?
Ma, I told you, he's going to Harvard.
And Anthony's joining the Navy.
We're losing all the cute lifeguards.
Not all the cute lifeguards. I'll still be around, ladies.
You smell like beef.
We're proud of you, Danny. Oh, you're a good kid. Come here.
Let me at him. Let me at him.
Thanks, Mrs. Bandini. Let me at him.
Mrs. Bandini Jr.
Oh! We're all huggy.
Ow!
Okay. See you guys.
Enjoy your game of slowly dying.
Bye. Fuck off.
Danny, if you had half the game with younger women
that you do with older women,
you'd be laying it down.
I talk to women our age.
I'm sorry? Women our age?
I don't know any "women our age". I know a bunch of girls.
See, that vocabulary you have.
You're wearing a giant sign that says, "I'm a virgin."
Technically, I had half of my tip inside Megan O'Reilly
before her fucking cat attacked me. Okay?
Do you understand that you could get
any single girl in this entire place?
But you don't. Why?
Well, I'm sorry if I have higher standards than you.
Really? Do you want to have sex on Christmas?
What are you, Hugh Grant? You're just a guy.
- You're just a... - Campbell!
Some kid puked in the Lost and Found.
I want you to wash all the clothes and put them back in.
Translation, "You're my bitch."
And Gomes! Get your ass back in the baby pool!
Now who's the bitch, bitch?
It's definitely not me. Bye, Bane.
Bye, Batman.
Victor, what are you doing?
Found this fucking frog.
Gonna shoot it out of this fucking leaf blower.
Jesus Christ.
No. No, no, no. You guys, you cannot invite a mom to a staff party.
Skootch, first of all, is the keeper of the keys.
So, what do you think, Skootch,
can Ms. Greeley come to the party?
Mmm.
I'll allow it. Yes, he will.
And you know, the best part is, dude,
she had a kid, like, a year ago, man.
She's still fucking stacked. Oh, it's incredible.
You're abysmal. Would Danny ever say anything like that?
No, Danny would not say something like that, because he's Irish.
Okay? They don't think about sex till they're, like, 25.
Wow. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life.
It's a biology fact, Mary Ellen. Okay? Read a fucking book.
Okay, look. First there's Hispanic guys, obviously.
Then the black guys. Then the Italians.
Then the French. And then the Irish, all right?
And then probably, like, the Asians eventually.
Oh, my God. When you join the Navy,
their collective IQ is gonna drop, like, 25 points.
Like, you're going to sink our ships.
Hey, look. If you're in love with me,
just say you're in love with me.
Yeah. You know.
Is that how you say it in sign language?
Is it that? No, that's "Fuck you."
Oh! That's "Fuck you."
Hey, scram, kids. Beat it. It's adult swim
in the bathroom.
I'm the king of the castle.
Home sweet home.
My own executive bathroom.
Dude. Ow. Truce?
Sorry, man. Truce.
Wow.
You guys have really matured this summer.
Rachel and Rebecca Rabinowitz. Half Asian, half Jewish.
They were identical, but somehow everyone agreed,
Rachel was the hot one.
Oh! Rachel.
Rebecca.
- How are you guys? - Good.
So, hey. Are you guys going to the staff party on Saturday?
Ooh. Staff party.
Uh, Danny's not,
'cause he's going to Orlando to get his vagina enlarged,
but I will be there.
Oh! That's cute they invite the baby pool lifeguards.
Oh, it's cute that you exist.
Why can't there just be two of you, Rachel?
Why can't there be zero Franks?
I do everything here, okay? I'm not a baby pool lifeguard.
I'm a lifeguard who happens to be at the baby pool right now.
Well, it's been great hanging out with you guys. See you later.
Bye, Danny. Not bye, Frank.
Bye, Rachel. I love you. Please die in a fire, Rebecca.
Chuck, you in here?
Chuck. Chuck.
Yo. Chuck.
Not now, Victor. Go away, buddy.
Yeah. Okay, yeah. But you know,
there's a hornets' nest by the handball court.
This thing is insane, man. It's like a hornet Mexico City.
Talk to me about it in, like, 20 minutes. Not now!
Just... Victor, just take care of the nest. Get out of here.
God. Get your face out of here.
Chuck, all right, I'm on it, man.
Are you still there? Yeah, I'm on it. Okay.
Thank you for the opportunity.
Am I the only one that's normal around here?
Look at that horse.
That one's brown as hell.
Oh, Danny.
Why can't you just man up for once in your life, okay?
This is the last weekend of summer.
I am being a man.
The only reason why I'm going is because it means a lot to my parents.
Okay, well, the staff party is this Saturday.
And you know what? Danny, it means a lot to me.
I have been laying track with Rachel all summer.
And she's finally into me, and I think I'm gonna S the D.
Suck the dick?
What? No. Seal the deal.
Why don't you just say that? Because it's a shorter way...
It doesn't matter. Okay?
The staff party is the culmination of the entire summer.
It's basically summer prom.
And you know what happens at prom, Danny?
Girls S the D.
Seal the deal. Suck the dick.
Are you not listening?
It's like a milestone in their lives.
It's like the moon landing.
But instead of a pole going into the ground,
it's our dicks going into them.
Ow!
God, man. Whoa!
Harvard.
The party is officially on.
Whew!
Danny's favorite chicken.
Okay.
Not only do we have access to all four parks
plus Typhoon Lagoon, so bring your suit,
but... Drum roll, please.
We got Fastpasses.
Nice.
Remember when you used to stand up
and recite the entire Jungle Cruise?
'Cause you had the whole ride memorized.
and you, you'd put your arm inside your shirt like the hippo bit it off.
Yeah.
I was terrified one time.
I'm really excited. It just kind of sucks
that I'm not gonna be here for my last weekend with Frank.
Mmm.
Well, you know, I mean, Frank...
You two are gonna keep in touch. Mmm-hmm.
You're gonna make new friends at Harvard.
You know. And who knows? Maybe you're gonna meet a couple of
cute ladies. Oh!
Maybe not her, but...
It's just that you and Frank...
Honey, you're just on different paths. You know?
And again, we love Frank.
Yeah, love him to death.
Hey.
Sorry that took so long. I got distracted on my phone.
I was playing a new game.
Oh, yeah? What's that, Frank? Oh!
It's like Whac-A-Mole, but with penises and glory holes.
And you just, like, whack the penis
back into the glory hole, so it doesn't...
Doesn't, you know... I understand.
How's the Disney planning going?
Oh, my God. Dude, do you remember that one time
where you did the entire Jungle Cruise
and everybody laughed at you
because you looked like a fucking moron?
All right, you, I'm gonna go shut that door and open a window.
Maybe knock down a wall.
I just hear the cat kind of screaming a little bit.
Guys, you gotta check this out.
Look at all these beautiful women that
Danny's gonna be going to college with.
Oh, what is that? Dog and Elephant Quarterly?
Why do you even have that? Because I found it.
Look at this girl. She's a butter everything.
She'd be hot "but her everything".
Hey, Frank, serious question.
Have you ever seen yourself, like, in a mirror?
Because actually, on a Frank scale,
that girl's, like, a hundred Franks.
And on the Mary Ellen scale, she's about half a Mary Ellen.
That's a compliment, what you've just said.
Mine actually was not a compliment to you.
What's the brochure like for your parents' basement?
This isn't about me.
This is about Danny banging someone decent
before he goes off to Monsters University.
What I don't understand is, why you need a party to get laid.
Why don't you just go out and just bang something?
Yeah, you say that because you hook up with moms.
Moms don't need a party to have sex.
They need a glass of shitty wine.
Hey, Anthony.
Hi.
Happy noon.
Oh, man. Ladies, I brought lunch.
Doctors say you don't get the benefits of wine until the third glass.
No way.
I know. She's great, isn't she?
No, no, not her.
Her.
I had been perfectly content to leave Staten Island forever.
But just when I thought I was out, it pulled me back in.
Krystal Manicucci.
She was the undisputed Queen of Staten Island.
And she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen in my life.
Don't do that. You're giving me the heebie-jeebies.
When you stare like that, you look like a serial killer.
Bro, you got to forget about Krystal. All right?
Why? So you can get with her?
No, even I'm not that stupid. All right? Her dad's Leo Manicucci.
Like on the side of all those heating oil trucks?
So?
So, the dude's old school Mafia.
Okay. You guys know my buddy Tim?
Well, his friend Dave asked her
to the sophomore-junior semiformal. All right?
Well, he found out, went to the dude's house,
ripped out his mailbox and fucking beat him half to death with it
in front of his whole family.
Oh, my God. Are you serious? Yes.
That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
Shut up. Then don't believe me. All right?
Oh, I won't. It's your fucking funeral.
Man, that thing is messed up.
There's probably, like, a thousand hornets in there.
Now go spray it. No way. You go.
All right, fine. But don't move.
Okay, that's not going to work.
I think we need to take this to the next level.
Yeah, damn right we do.
Yo.
Hairy Melon.
Wassup? Uh, question.
If I got to transport, like, 144 passengers
and I have, like, a 36-seat van,
how many trips is that gonna take? Probably, like 11.
I think it's more like four.
Yeah. No, no, like, those weren't the numbers,
I was using a couple of different groups of numbers. So...
If you want, I could help you study.
Like, I used to do SAT prep.
Yeah, okay. Well, SATs are for pussies.
I got my own system. It's gonna be fine. And I do not need your help.
So don't you worry your pretty little head.
Yo. Bullshit.
There's no color called indigo.
Yeah, there is. It's in the rainbow. You know, Roy G. Biv?
A guy named Roy G. Biv invented the rainbow?
How do you invent the rainbow?
I think it's like, if you're really gay
and it rains...
Coming from the sky.
It's wine-ado.
Anthony. Hi, Ms. Greeley.
Hi, Anthony.
I was wondering if you could assist me.
It would be my pleasure. Let me see that.
Ms. Greeley, I am worried
maybe you've had, like, a little too much to drink forever.
We're breaking a lot of rules.
We have lifeguards drinking. There's glass by the pool.
Oh, my God. What are you, the wine police?
Yeah. What are you going to do, arrest me?
Boo! Aah!
Anthony.
Would you say you have a big dick?
Hmm?
Wow.
Well, well, well.
My old buddy, Skootch. What's up, pal?
Working on the CPR dummy?
It's not perfect form and the stomach's on fire, but
just watch out for that.
So, you got any big plans this weekend?
No?
That's funny, because last weekend of summer,
I remember when we were lifeguards,
before I was promoted to manager over you,
we used to always have a staff party.
I was, of course, never invited,
but also chose independently not to go.
So, no party this year, though?
I hope not.
If you are having a party and I catch you,
I will finally have the excuse I need to fire your fat ass.
And I'll be locking up from now on.
See these guys? These are Chuck's now.
I find out you're having a party...
Danny, you're scaring the children.
She's perfect.
Oh, my God. She was saying the same thing about you,
in your dreams, when you were jerking off to her.
Remember? You made a little mess on your tum-tum?
I should explain. Krystal and I had a history.
She used to babysit me when I was in third grade.
You were amazing tonight, Danny.
So well-behaved.
After she left, I did what any third grader would do.
I pretended my stuffed lion was Krystal Manicucci.
And I stroked its cheek.
And I kissed it oh so tenderly.
Over the years, our relationship matured.
More grape juice?
I'm really starting to feel it.
And eventually things intensified.
It was true love.
Look at them.
They're like tiny, sexy Jeremy Lins,
bouncing that ass like a basketball.
Right, let's do this. I get Rachel and you get Rebecca.
Why do I get Rebecca?
Who cares? They're twins.
All right, you take Rebecca.
Rebecca's disgusting.
Hey, Rachel.
Gremlin.
We were just admiring your dope-ass skills.
Maybe we could play some doubles.
"Doubles?" Have you ever played basketball, Frank?
Yeah, I've played basketball, Rebecca. Okay?
and Rebecca will pair up with that overflowing trash can.
It's a little more your speed.
Well, I would take the trash can over you,
based on look and smell. Great.
Oh, what you got?
Oh, fuck. It's an actual biker.
That guys looks like he has a tattoo of Satan on his 12-inch dick.
I catch her with that asshole, I'll kill them both.
What the fuck?
Holy shit!
Son of a bitch!
Danny. Run, run, run.
Hey, kid! Did you just hit me with that basketball?
I swear, it was an accident. I promise.
Accident, my ass! The basket's over there!
I'm sorry. You're sorry?
What's your name? Danny Campbell.
53 Highland Lane.
In the future, you be a little more careful. All right?
And your fat little friend's a rat.
You know, a rat is actually one of the smartest creatures on earth.
So I'm pretty sure he was paying me a compliment.
Yeah? And what about when he called you fat?
Uh, I'm pretty sure he called me "flat",
as in flat-chested, which I am.
Hey, Danny.
Oh, shit.
You are Danny Campbell, right?
Dr. Campbell's son?
I'm Krystal.
Manicucci.
I used to babysit you.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, right. Sorry. Of course. Krystal.
Yeah, I think I remember you.
I've had a lot of babysitters, but yeah.
I'm Frank Gomes. I'm, uh...
Fresh pepper?
You two enjoy... Have a good...
Enjoy the meal that you have.
Uh... Yeah, I don't really know him.
So, were you leaving right now?
I could be.
Or I could stay.
I don't really... I'm flexible, I guess.
Well, if you were leaving right now,
I was going to ask if I could get a ride home.
My dad was supposed to take me,
but he had to take care of something.
Oh. Yeah. For sure.
I totally could give you a ride home.
Um, definitely.
Okay.
So, you're going to Harvard.
Yep, going up to Boston.
Killer wheels, by the way.
Yeah, it goes zero to 60 in never.
This is you?
Yeah, this is me.
Hold on.
Wow, you have a really great house.
Are you kidding me?
It's horrible.
My mom decided she was going to start redecorating.
Everything is marble.
Oh, yeah. And there's a painting of Frank Sinatra on the cross
like he's Jesus.
That's a really complicated image.
Yeah, well, I'm saving up so I can move out.
And my dad is like, a legit psychopath.
Really? Yeah.
Well, thank you. For the ride.
Yeah.
It was slightly faster than walking.
That's the name of my rickshaw company.
"Slightly Faster Than Walking."
Oh, hey, maybe I'll see you at the pool this weekend.
You know, if you're around.
Uh, yeah. Totally. I'll be there.
Not going anywhere.
And that's why it's called "The No Spin Zone".
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
He doesn't put up with it. Mmm-mmm.
So, are you all packed?
Like, the car's getting full.
Hey, you know who I actually saw earlier today?
Krystal Manicucci.
Remember, she used to babysit me?
Oh, God. How could we forget? That girl was crazy.
Thirteen years old and she already had a tattoo.
How do you decide on a tattoo when you're 13?
I mean, if I got a tattoo when I was 13, it would be
a tramp stamp of Popeye right next to a Chinese symbol
for Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.
Remember the time she arrived with some guy...
He's older, and he was stoned on heroin.
Or smack. Was it smack?
That's the street name for it, yeah.
And they both came riding up on a motorcycle.
What's so bad about a motorcycle?
You want to ride a motorcycle?
Do you know how many of my patients have broken bones
from motorcycle accidents?
How many of them are in wheelchairs right now?
I don't know. How many?
Several.
Very many. Mmm-hmm.
Well, if Krystal was so crazy, why'd you let her babysit me?
Because her father's a psychopath.
You know that they're
We were afraid if we didn't hire his daughter,
we were gonna wind up buried in a landfill
next to Dustin Hoffman.
Well, Jimmy Hoffa.
Well, then who's the baseball player?
I don't think
anyone.
Anyways, um,
Krystal actually invited me to a party this weekend.
In Orlando?
Because you're in Disney with us this weekend, right?
Look, I'm not saying I'm going.
I'm just saying I was invited.
Well...
Maybe you can ride there on a motorcycle.
Hey, maybe I'll see you at the pool this weekend.
Yes! Bump! Yes!
Danny, I'm so happy you are staying.
This is going to be the best last weekend ever.
No one can touch us. We're never gonna die.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, hold on, hold on,
for, like, two seconds here.
Danny.
Krystal Manicucci brought you back
to her house and you didn't bang that?
This is the shit I'm talking about.
Fucking Irish guys, man.
Okay. Can we focus on the party?
Or, like, anything that will keep you from talking?
Anything. Truly.
Okay, counterpoint. Chuck said that
he would fire us if we threw a party.
Also, Chuck took my keys.
Also, one of his balls popped out of his Speedo,
and he tried to tuck it back in like nothing happened.
- Bullshit. - Not bullshit.
I saw the freaking thing. It looked like a peach pit.
I'm not doubting that, Skootch.
Bullshit about getting fired. We are having a party.
Oh, got it.
I'm in. Yeah, I'm totally in.
Okay, well, yeah, I'm obviously in, too. So...
Mary Ellen?
Could one of the lifeguards report to the pool deck,
where you're paid to be lifeguards?
TTYO, guys. Thanks a lot. Hope the summer's kicking butt.
Well, you heard the man.
Let's get to work. Yeah.
Whoo!
Oh, God!
All right. Now, the first thing that we need is alcohol.
Lots of it.
I would buy it, but I make, like, $300 a year.
And I spend, like, $400 on weed, so...
I got this. All right?
Everybody just owe me 50 bucks.
I'll pick up everything we need.
No, I'm not giving you 50 bucks.
Where are you getting alcohol?
Relax. I can get us a deal. I know a guy.
You know a guy? Who are you, fucking Pablo Escobar?
No run... Or do. I don't care.
People are gonna be hungry, too,
so we should definitely get snacks.
Snacks, huh? Hey, Frank, how's that diet going, huh?
Diet's going great. I ate kale out of your mom's pussy last night.
Guys, we're a team. Right?
Frank and I will handle the snacks and mixers.
Go. Yeah, right, whatever. Just make sure
you get a little prosciut' and some mozzarel'.
Wait. A little what?
I'm so sorry, did you mean prosciutto and mozzarella?
I say it the authentic Italian way, okay?
Oh, okay. So when you go to a Mexican restaurant, do you ask for
"Give me a burrit' and a little guacamol'."
No, you don't do that. You're an idiot.
You have no respect for my culture.
More importantly, how are we supposed to get in without a key?
I'll tell you how.
What? We're not sharing a secret. Go.
Because Chuck wears a Speedo, he always leaves his keys in the office.
But
he doesn't get out of the office for more than 20 minutes.
Which is how long it takes to make a full sweep of the premises.
Except for one time.
Every day, at exactly 3:25 p.m...
Toilet, I apologize in advance.
...when Chuck moves his perfectly regulated bowels.
When Chuck goes to the bathroom,
Chuck stays in the bathroom.
And we make a copy of the key.
Wow.
That thing is awesome.
Home Depot.
Let's take this honey for a test drive.
What's that, hornets? Huh?
What did you say?
Oh...
Yeah. You know what that means?
Wrong answer, bitch. Die! Die!
Die!
Die, all of you!
I think the flame should be bigger.
Yeah, I was going to say the same thing.
Oh, and you should get some condoms, too.
You should get condoms.
I already have condoms. I always have condoms.
Why? You've never had sex.
Having 12% of your dick inside Megan O'Reilly
is suddenly not having sex?
I've had sex.
Just get condoms. What, are you embarrassed?
Okay, one box of the blue condoms.
One box? That's all you're getting?
Yeah, one box. Why?
Stuff happens, man. They rip, they break.
Sometimes you lose your boner.
and the friction makes it hot and you have to tear 'em off.
Just get three boxes.
Okay, three boxes.
You're only getting the blue ones?
Yes. Why? You get Magnums?
No, but she thinks I use them.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Okay. I buy Magnums and I buy regular ones.
I open up the Magnum package,
take out the condom, put in a regular size condom
and reseal it.
Are you psychotic?
No. I'm a genius, Danny.
I have a very average dick. I'm rolling six deep, maybe. It's not big.
But the second that girl sees a golden ticket,
she's gonna be like, "Whoa, this guy has a baseball bat."
And it doesn't even matter,
because everything feels the same in the dark.
So three boxes of Magnums, please.
No, I don't want those.
Oh, please, don't let me interrupt.
You guys have fun tonight.
Cool. You're such an asshole.
Can we also get this?
That's the thing. Leo Manicucci isn't some, like,
crazy, messed-up mass murderer.
It will be in and out, execution style.
Probably in front of your family, which is fucked up,
but, you know, he has to do it, he has to send a message.
Don't sleep with his daughter, or talk to her,
or ever, you know, have anything to do with her.
And to be honest, not a lot of people
get to meet the person who eventually kills them.
That's a unique experience, Danny. You should take that to heart.
You look like an idiot right now.
No, I don't. I look like a genius,
because we're going to have watermelon vodka.
And that's a thing that only rich people have.
You cut a hole in the top of the watermelon,
you put vodka in it, and then you have...
Shit.
You dropped your watermelon.
Yep, we'll leave it. We don't need it.
For the homies.
Well, hello, gorgeous.
Oh, shit.
"Oh, shit" is right.
A beautiful woman on a beautiful day.
Hey, look out up there.
You almost hit me with this angel, you idiot.
Mmm.
I'll fucking kill you.
Got any weekend plans?
You know what? I just don't date
you.
Well, if and when you do change your mind,
I know this topless-optional Ethiopian joint.
Let me know.
In the meantime, I'll be at the snack bar, as per ushe.
Come on by, say hi.
Very good.
Go around.
And keep going.
Do it.
Well, well, well.
What is new in the world of horses?
Catch me up. I did not know that about horses. Okay.
Hey! What the...
What are you doing? No!
Get back here.
Damn it.
Loser.
Ooh. Somebody help me. I'm a naked man.
I mean, "Somebody help me." Only that part.
Hey, cover me.
I won't let you down.
Ha-ha.
We're clear.
Yo, Campbell.
We got a special delivery. All right. I need your help.
Frank, I need you to cover me in the big pool. Is that cool?
The big pool? Yeah.
Or I could just have Danny do it.
No, I'm good.
Got the big pool, up on top. Lockdown.
Good. My man, let's do it. Come on.
What is this?
It's my boy, Greg DiStefano, man.
Buying alcohol from a cop?
Hey, don't worry.
All right, all right, all right.
You're under arrest for being gay.
No, I'm fucking with you. That's legal now.
Wassup, you bitch? Wassup, man.
How you doing, man? Easy. Hey. Gun. Respect.
Sorry. Fucking with you again.
Who's this guy?
Uh, this is my buddy, Danny. He's totally cool.
He's my friend.
I feel like these guys are...
Like the gay versions of us?
Fuck, man. So what's up? We got a party?
You want liquor, I know. I got to ask.
Everyone who's drinking, they 21?
Right?
Wink. I'm fucking with you. Always fucking with you.
Never forget it. All right, come on.
I got something else for you, if you're interested.
All right.
Got a couple of fireworks.
Holy shit! Welcome to China!
Fireworks. Get in there, whatever you want.
However, beforehand...
Yeah? ...can we stop by?
You mind if we kind of roll up?
Stop by where? Yeah, it'll be fun to come.
To the party. To the party.
This is my boy Wankel, by the way.
What's going on? Wankel, Officer. Oh, hey.
No, I don't fucking hug. I'm sorry.
Uh, I don't know if you guys want to come to this party.
We'll come. It's a party, right? With girls and shit?
There's girls, yeah. We would be very interested in coming.
Um, then, yeah. A firm yes.
That's what I'm talking about. See you Saturday. All right?
Now unload the trunk. Let's go. Hurry up.
The city's paying for this. Come on.
All right, let's get the booze first.
These guys can't even pick up the keg.
What are they, fucking firemen, bro?
Hey, leave the syrah. The syrah stays. Don't fucking take the syrah.
We didn't say you could take the syrah.
Fucking genius over here.
God forbid.
You're okay. It's just a bigger baby pool
with bigger babies.
Oh, shit.
Just keep it together, Frank.
With great power comes... Hey, Frank.
Hey. You're on big pool now, I see.
You know, I've actually been on the big pool for a while.
You haven't seen me? That's crazy.
My nickname's "Big Pool".
Yeah. Um, hey. So, can I ask you a question?
Do you know where we could get some pot for Saturday?
Pot. I got pot. I can get you pot. Yeah.
So you have someone? Yeah.
I totally have someone and you're gonna get your pot.
Awesome. Thank you so much, Frank.
Ah, you're so welcome.
Thank you for that sweet, sweet ass.
Damn.
Where the fuck am I gonna find pot?
Psst.
Mr. Stewart?
Psst. I'm naked.
Help me out, man. I'm trapped.
Come on, man, I'm naked in here.
Help me out. Give me your pants.
Come on, my man. My man.
Come on. I demand my dignity.
I'm a human being.
God... God damn it.
Whoo-hoo! That was fun.
Yeah, Skootch.
Hello?
The turd is off the toilet.
I repeat, the turd is off the toilet.
We'll need more time.
Got it.
No, no, no, no. Wait. No, no. God.
It's dissolving. No.
God.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Man, I love this car.
I got it for the bench seats. Perfect for blowjobs. Just...
Are you done? Blowjibby. Blowjibby.
I'm sorry. We got to go. Yeah.
Hello there, beautiful.
Get the hell out of here.
Come on. I just want some free chicken fingers.
Why you got to be so cheap, Dolores?
Cheap? I'm cheap?
I'll give you something for free.
Screw you and screw all your jerkoff lifeguard friends.
I'd rather take all my food and put it in the trash and burn it,
rather than give it to you pricks. Okay?
All right. You know what, that's fine.
That's fine. Because you just lost
this stud's business. Congratulations.
Business implies you have money, you delusional piece of shit.
Fuck.
Hmm.
Damn.
Bounce it.
Bounce it. Bounce it.
Bounce that butt.
Oh, my God.
Hey, hey, hey. He's drowning. The kid is drowning.
Oh. Okay. Oh, shit.
He's out there.
Okay. I'm coming. Okay, okay, I got this.
Go in! Okay.
Get in there! Who cares about the whistle?
Go. Go to him.
Save in progress!
Oh, he's gonna die.
Frank.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Come here, buddy. - He's gonna die.
That precious child, get him.
Oh, God.
Save!
Save in progress!
Come here, baby.
That's a save! It's a save!
Save in progress!
My sweet choking boy. Come on.
Oh, God, you're gorgeous. Get out of the water. You're so beautiful.
Your lungs work? You're all right?
Oh, my God.
That's a kid boner.
No, no, no. It's not a kid boner.
I know a kid boner when I see a kid boner, you freak.
Creep.
What is going on here?
What the hell is going on here?
He's got a boner. A what?
I have a boner, that's true. But it's about Rachel.
Frank, that's disgusting.
And you!
I'm the manager. Put some clothes on.
What's wrong with you, perv?
Frank, I literally left you alone in the big pool for 10 minutes.
How'd you fuck that up?
Rachel saw the whole thing. It's over.
No, come on, man. It's not over.
Hey, you know what?
There's always someone else out there, you know.
Like, what about this guy?
Fuck off.
Relax, man. You didn't blow it with Rachel. Okay?
You just have to do something to impress her. Just win her back.
She asked me to buy her weed.
Just find an ice cream truck. I mean, all those guys sell weed.
Literally, they all sell weed. Yeah, they all sell weed.
You think they make enough money to live
off of Choco Tacos and Ninja Turtle pops?
All right, guys. Regardless of Frank
ruining a kid's life, I got the keys.
Yeah, and Danny, we got them booze.
Yeah, and everyone I know,
man, woman, child, homeless man in ski goggles,
they're all coming to the party.
Now, we can do this the easy way
or we can do this the hard way.
I saw a little hand reach under my stall. It was a child's hand.
I don't think it was his.
Who do we got here? Which one of you is Brian Barr?
Hi, Brian Barr.
Huh? Oh!
Okay, let me follow the little fingy
straight to Wendell.
What the hell, you rat.
Why, you son of a Wendell's mother.
Why'd you do it, huh?
I'm not telling.
He was just trying to help the lifeguards.
They're having a party on Saturday.
You guys are the worst.
Party on Saturday, huh?
Interesting.
Operator, get me the President.
Of the Department of Health.
For Staten Island.
The Departamente
de Health
Isle de Staten.
Can I help you? Oh, my God.
Get.
Where is he?
Where?
Danny Campbell.
Mrs. Manicucci.
Please. Bianca.
Ah.
Look at you. My God.
You kids are growing up so fast today.
You have to stay for dinner.
Oh, I would, but...
You're staying.
You're a smart man, Chuck.
Chuck, one. Lifeguards, lose.
That was
awkward.
So,
what was so important that you came to my house?
Oh, uh...
Well, there was just this...
There's this staff party that we're having.
It's gonna be this big, huge party and
I thought that, since I'm leaving, maybe
it would be fun if you wanted to, I don't know, go to the party.
Uh...
Danny, that's really sweet.
And please don't take this the wrong way,
because it has nothing to do with you. It's just...
I just still see you as that kid that I used to babysit.
Oh! Yeah. No, I...
Look, I know. I totally get that. I was just...
It was just a random thought. Honestly, I was biking past anyways.
Yeah.
Oh, hey. I'm sorry about my dad, by the way.
He's just a little intense sometimes.
I'm sure he's harmless.
Good night.
Yeah.
Have fun at the party.
Yeah, I will.
So I'm harmless to you? Get out of here.
I don't want you hanging out with my daughter.
I'm not, I promise.
I was just inviting her to a party. But she doesn't want to go.
A party? What kind of a party? A sex party?
No. No, no, no, I don't do sex parties.
You lying piece of shit.
I saw you in the deli today, buying condoms. Six boxes.
I'm not trying to have sex with anyone. All right?
I've never even had sex. I've had, like,
three handjobs, two to completion.
I will never hang out with your daughter again, I swear on my life.
If I ever catch you with my daughter again,
they're gonna find little pieces of Danny Campbell
sprinkled up and down the Verrazano Bridge.
You got that?
Now get the fuck off my property.
Now.
Piece of shit.
Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.
Frank called, looking for you.
Said you were stopping by Krystal Manicucci's house.
Mom, who is this? Hmm.
This? This is just a patient of mine
who used to be able to walk.
Until he got a motorcycle and he wiped out on the freeway.
What's up, guy? How's it going?
Griffith.
Oh, yeah, but...
Yeah. Yeah, listen to your mom. Motorcycles are...
They're fucked up. Okay?
I mean, you know, messed up.
Right? They're bad news, hombre.
Huh? Okay? It's like, talk to the chair
'cause the legs ain't listening.
Right?
Mom, I've never ridden a motorcycle in my life.
I don't think I've actually seen one in person. But you know what?
If I want to ride a motorcycle, I will.
Okay. It's a perfectly viable life skill.
No, it is not, Danny. It is a death skill, that's what it is.
A death skill.
A motorcycle?
Is she the one that's turning you on to these motorcycles?
That girl is a bad influence.
You don't even fucking know her.
Whoa! Language, guy.
You can't ground me anymore, Mom. I'm an adult.
And like any normal adult,
I'm not going to Disney World. You know why?
Because normal adults go places that are interesting.
Like England. Or France.
Well, for your information, we're going to England.
And France.
It's called EPCOT effing Center.
Jesus.
That's what happened when they rode motorcycles.
You got any hot sauce?
No, we don't, Griffith.
All right. This ought to kick it up a notch.
Where did you get this?
My cousin works for Delta. He gets free jet fuel.
Hey, Victor. How you doing?
Unstoppable.
Word.
Hey. I wanted to let you know we're having a staff party this Saturday,
if you want to come by.
Oh, really? You're inviting me?
Like, you consider me part of the staff?
Yeah. Of course, man, always.
You want me to make anything for the party?
I'll do an ice sculpture. You know, like an angel.
Nah, I think we're good, man. But thank you.
Yeah, I wanna make you an ice sculpture.
Oh, no, you don't have to, man. I think we'll be okay.
We're gonna have, like, booze and weed and stuff.
We don't need an ice sculpture. It's summer. It'll melt pretty fast.
Huh? It's ice, so it'll melt. So we don't...
So you want one? No.
Yeah.
Hey, did you see the giant new hornets' nest?
Where? Yeah, over the shed.
- What? - Holy shit.
Yeah. You might wanna take care of that, man.
Come on, little man, we got some work to do.
Move out of the way, yeah.
Watch it. Very flammable.
Can I come to the party, too?
We'll see. I only get a plus one.
Yo.
Will Hunting, this is disgusting.
All right. Come on. Quit your dog shopping.
Chuck's at lunch. It's game time. All right?
I'm out today.
All right, man. You're gonna miss all the action.
I'm telling you, Osama Bin Laden had this dog. Right?
Best friend in the entire fucking world.
And our military was able to go in,
kidnap the dog, bring it back to the US,
teach the motherfucker how to speak English,
and that's how they found out where Osama Bin Laden was hiding.
What, you don't believe me?
Okay, I can do this.
This is easy. Frank Gomes, drug buyer. I can do this.
Hey.
Can you guys get out of here?
Sorry. Could you please leave? Thank you.
That looks good. Enjoy your juice.
Hey, uh,
Konko.
That's a cool name, man.
Is that Eastern European?
So you sell,
mmm, drugs?
Oh, because I'm black, I sell drugs.
No. I did not say that.
I heard a rumor that all ice cream men,
regardless of race, sold drugs.
Relax, dude. I'm just messing with you. All right?
Okay.
Yeah, I can get you some.
What you want? Crack?
Crack? No. Not crack.
No, no, no, no. I just want some weed.
You know, weed.
Bitch, do I look like I sell crack? No.
You have your own business. You're not dumb. You're a smart guy.
You want green, right? Yeah.
All right, let's go, get in.
Your truck? I only got five minutes on break, man. I...
We'll only be gone a minute.
Like an actual 60-second minute, or like,
you know, "Wassup, homie, haven't seen you in a minute" minute?
Now get your simple ass in the truck, man.
I'll get in the truck. I'll get in the truck.
All right, give me your parents' money. Let's go, guys.
Whoa, Sofia, high roller. Where did you get this?
Bets are closed, guys. Two to one odds on Mikey Calcags.
You're a punk, Mikey.
Nobody likes you.
You got this, baby. You got this.
Hey, I'm looking for Chuck Casino.
Oh, not now, man. We got deck races going on.
Hey, you want in?
Hey, and by the way, my kid is a lock.
I sprinkled some Adderall on his chicken fingers.
All right, remember the rules. You stay within the glass bottles.
First one to dive into the shallow end wins.
And remember, you guys,
no running.
Come on, come on, come on, Mikey. Go! Run!
Go, Mikey!
Come on, Mikey! Go, Johnny, go!
Come on, Mikey! Go!
- That was Calcags.
Boo-yah.
Oh, thank God, man. Oh, my kid yesterday wiped out like a mo'fucker.
There was so much blood in the pool,
it looked like the Kool-Aid Man killed himself.
Like he caught his wife cheating.
Like he came home and he was like,
"Oh, no."
Just brains.
Just Kool-Aid brains everywhere.
Who are you? I'm the health inspector.
I was kidding about everything.
A health inspector? What are you doing here?
Is this some sort of surprise inspection?
Are you Chuck Casino? Yeah.
You called me.
Oh, that's right, I did. I did. I forgot.
Anonymously.
"Are dogs reliable spies?"
Hey, can I check out the ice creams?
I told you not to touch anything.
Can we turn on the music? No.
The pH level is a five.
Bro, five out of 10 ain't bad.
It's out of 14.
And yes, it is bad. It's worse than urine.
I'm shutting you guys down for the weekend.
What? Yeah. What a shame.
I guess this happens with pools sometimes.
Did you do this?
Why would I want to ruin a party that I wasn't invited to?
You son of a bitch. Okay. Skootch, Skootch, Skootch.
Whoo!
Look. Don't move, and don't touch nothing.
Yeah, yeah, you got it, Konko.
I got to get the fuck out of here.
Shaolin's finest. Wassup with you?
Fuck.
- May I help you? - Hi!
Hey. Uh...
I was just... I wanted some weed.
Uh, yeah, I could get some weed. If that's cool for you. Convenience.
All right, come on.
Oh, my God.
All right. Ready to do the honors?
Hells to the yeah.
Okay, but remember. A-B-C. "Always Be Safe."
Sir, you got to believe me, man.
Chuck set this whole thing up. I swear on Chuck's shitty life.
Sorry, Skootch. Looks like the P-A-R-T-Y is
O-V-E-R-Y.
"Party is overy?"
Wait a sec, did you say Skootch? Yeah.
Did you work at the YMCA, like, 15 years ago?
Perhaps.
Mike Lynch.
Shut up. You taught me how to swim.
Mikey Lynch, man? Yeah.
Dude, I haven't seen you since you were, like, this tall.
What's going on, man?
All right, here you go. Shaolin Special.
That's cocaine. Do it.
Ugh, I did so many lines of coke,
it's like I don't even know what time it is.
Listen, if you gonna buy from us, we need to know you straight.
Uh...
Do it. I love you so much, Rachel.
Dude, you hooked up with Kim Douglas
inside that dumpster. She was so hot.
No. Yeah.
Married? Check it out, bro.
No way...
You can say it. Say it. She got big. No.
She got big. She got big.
Fuck! Fuck! What the fuck is that?
It was a Pixy Stick.
Dude just snorted sugar.
Oh, God damn it!
You guys are jerks! You guys are real jerks!
What? Who the fuck is you talking to?
Okay. You know what? What the fuck am I saying?
Who the fuck am I to say that?
I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry.
I'm so sorry. I don't mean that. I don't mean shit like that.
I gotta get out of here. He's hilarious.
These violations are pretty minor.
I think we can work something out.
No, no, we're not "working something out."
Rules are rules. Yeah, but not really, right?
Who hasn't peed in a pool? It's nothing that dramatic.
I pee in the pool all the time.
Come to papa.
It's gonna blow! Go! Run!
Shit.
So, how's your mom?
I couldn't help it, dawg, I had to do it.
What the fuck is going on?
I had to do it. Look, look, look, I'm sorry. Calm down, dawg.
Here, here, here. Peace offering. All right?
Thought I was gonna kill him. I know.
Is this weed? Yeah.
Oh, tough. Thanks, guys.
Hey, wait. What's this I hear about a party tomorrow?
Oh, there's a party at Great Kills.
Bring whoever you want. Bring your friends. Bring your moms.
Just bring whoever you want. My man Pixy Stick.
Is that me? I'm Pixy Stick?
Cool. Pixy Stick.
Aah!
Whoo!
Out you go.
Don't touch me. Out you go, little Skootcher.
Shut the fuck up.
All right. Have a good Labor Day, guys.
Looks like Chuck's got the pool all to himself.
Just think, next time you're here, you'll get arrested.
Oh, man.
I just ran, like, 30 blocks. Terrible.
What's going on?
Where the hell were you?
I was running an errand. Who cares?
Chuck sabotaged us.
Chuck sabotaged us? Danny's the one
who hid the booze in Dolores's shed.
Which is pretty fucking stupid for a kid who's going to Harvard.
Are you being serious right now?
The booze is not what blew up the shed. It was the fireworks.
Whoa. Hey! Whoa! Don't blame this on me.
Kisses not disses. Okay?
What's going on? There's no party?
No party.
Because we also don't have jobs, man. We're done.
I'm fucking out of here. This is bullshit.
Hey. Anthony, stop.
Mary Ellen, stop.
Let's go.
Did they tow my fucking car?
You don't even know what I had to go through to get weed.
Which I got.
I had a gun pointed at my head.
I had to ride in the back of an ice cream truck.
I had to do fake cocaine.
This entire thing sucks.
This whole plan has been fucked since the beginning.
Krystal's not coming and
Rachel doesn't even talk to you.
Fuck you, Danny.
I don't care about Rachel. Or Krystal.
I don't even care about the party. I just wanted to have
a last weekend with you, where we're friends.
That's bullshit. We've been friends our entire lives.
We'll hang out every single summer.
We're not gonna be friends.
I canceled my entire trip just to hang out with you on our last weekend.
Boo-hoo. You cancelled your annual trip,
which you'll go on for the rest of your life,
to hang out with someone who's not gonna be in your life anymore.
I hope you have a great time at Harvard
and you make something of yourself.
Because I'm gonna go rot in my parents' basement.
Should've gone to fucking Disney World.
Yeah, you should've.
Good work, little fella.
Never bet against the Casino.
Good God.
Hey.
Jesus.
What are you doing here?
I never left.
And, in a way, I never will.
Well, until your parents find me.
Look, bud, I promised your mom
that I'd try to scare the crap out of you
because she cuts me a deal on my Valtrex.
But honestly, if I had to do it all over again,
I'd fucking ride, man.
I would ride that fucking bike every fucking day of my life. Okay?
Okay? You feel me?
Come in again. Yeah.
No regrets. No regrets.
Except the herpes. That I would not do all over again.
So put a hat on your bat, okay?
Put a condom on your penis. Right?
And I'm watching Aladdin in the other room if you're interested.
Starting it now.
I kind of need to know pretty quick.
Because of the seating arrangements. Oh, I got a seat.
Hi.
Hey.
Your mom said you'd be here.
Yeah. Didn't want to give diabetes the day off.
Look, man, I'm really sorry about yesterday.
You're right. I was being a dick.
It's true, we're not gonna hang out as much this next year, but
you're still my best friend.
And there's still one last day of summer we have together.
All right, this better be good, Harvard.
Start talking.
Okay, guys. Thanks for coming.
Okay. We are still going to have this party.
For all the lifeguards that have ever worked at Great Kills.
This is our club, and we can't let Chuck take it away from us.
Yeah, fuck Chuck.
Well, if we show up, he's just gonna call the police.
Then we give him just what the doctor ordered.
Jesus. What did the doctor order?
Oh, I just took, like, every pill I could find in my mom's office.
Plus the Vicodin that they gave me for my wisdom teeth.
Wait. So what, are we going to walk up and be like, "Take these,"
and he'll be like, "Okay"?
Well, you know how you can bake weed into brownies?
Yes.
What if we just made, like, pill brownies?
Hmm.
That actually might work.
How do we get the pill brownies into Chuck?
Why are you guys all looking at me?
Now, this is what we call, in Staten Island, shopping.
There you go. And that
is called a Staten Island key.
Steak, oh, you look delicious. "Thanks, Chuck."
Let's make you beautiful.
Chuck.
Oh. We're actually closed right now. This is a private event.
Wow, that is some Speedo you got.
This is actually an apron. That's the...
Wow.
They should call you UPS, because you are carrying a package.
Thank you. I come from a long line of big penises.
My dad had a big dick, and my grandpa before him,
and his father before him
supposedly a very big dick as well.
Ugh, okay.
What does a girl wear to a party?
Probably not this. Right?
Listen, I brought you something.
Ta-da!
Ms. Greeley.
Yeah. It's because you've been doing such a terrific job.
Just a little thank you. Well, thank you. It's...
Try that. All right.
Oh, yeah, take the whole thing. Oh, baby.
It's a bunch of powder.
Don't stop there.
Huh? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey.
Hey, I got a good idea.
Hmm. Why don't we go inside?
Oh, yeah. We're just getting a little too much sun. Right?
Okay, you're the guy.
I'm so sick and horny.
I feel good. Whoo!
And also, like, really, really bad. Oh!
Coming through.
Congratulations, Wendell. You are officially a thief.
Do not tell a soul.
Hey, Rachel. Didn't notice you there.
Oh, wait, I did. You're on my dick.
I've got to go to the bathroom real quick.
Oh, these are very good.
Come on, Chuck.
All right, let's rock 'n' roll.
There's that road.
Come on, Chuck, finish the job.
Kill 'em all.
I need everybody to remain calm. Okay?
I am a future member of the United States Navy. Okay?
And I just...
Holy shit.
Who are you? Shut up.
Nah, you look great. It's kind of nice.
You have a lot of cleavage out.
Skootch!
What's wrong?
Chuck probably changed the lock.
Hey. Goofus and Gabby, we got 200 people here.
Can we speed this shit up please?
I finally got you all.
Like a fly to a spider.
One, two, three, and we end this all. Ow.
Oh, no, it's too much.
Frank, get your finger off my testicles.
I can't hold him. Mary Ellen, help.
Finish it.
They don't respect you, Chuck.
No, Chuck! Kill them!
You're secretly my hero.
Chuck is so sexy.
Thanks.
You've done well, my son.
You've brought the spider to the fly.
Thank you, Father.
Now choose a bride and bear us a child.
No need. I shall bear the child myself.
Yeah.
Oh, what's that, Chuck?
Chuck says, "Let's party."
Yeah, boy, get in there.
Get it up. Get it up.
What took you guys so long?
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo!
Let them remember.
This is Zion,
and we are not afraid.
Whoo!
Hey, what's up?
What type of shit is that?
All right, all right, let's see some IDs.
Yeah, let's see some I-double-Ds.
Hey. Guys, if you're going to have sex in the pool,
can you at least do it over by the filter?
Sure.
Sinners.
Yeah!
What do I do?
Pulled it off.
Yay. Oh!
Dude, we did it, man. Hey.
Is Krystal coming?
It's cool, though. She's out of my league anyways.
You're the best, man. She doesn't deserve you.
Honestly. Thanks, man.
I think I'm gonna go for it with Rachel.
Really? Yeah.
You should.
Oh, Rebecca, you should totally go talk to him.
Frank hates me.
Okay. But that's obviously his weird way of flirting with you.
He's a little weird.
He's funny, though.
So go talk to him.
And I am going to go find Skootch. Ew!
Gross. He's like 40.
All right. Well, better leave you to it.
Yeah, fuck off.
Good luck. Thanks.
Okay.
Fuck. Fuck me. Okay, I got this.
Hi. Hello.
Hi. Hey.
Hi.
Hey...
Do you want to go smoke this weed?
Um...
Sure.
Yeah? Yeah.
Cool.
After you. Okay.
Fuck. Fuck me.
Hey, you guys want to hold a real police gun for a second?
Don't worry, the safety's on.
Wait.
Now it's on. There you go.
Whoo-hoo!
Be careful. Don't touch the shoulder.
I like your shed.
Thanks. Perks of having the baby pool.
Wait, I thought you didn't even like me.
Yeah, you've been, like, really mean to me forever.
Are you kidding? I just thought I was flirting.
Really? Yeah.
I thought I made that really obvious.
It's crazy to think that we're rocketing through space, you know?
It's like we're moving at a mile... Million...
Mmm.
I was going to get a drink, I think. Do you want to...
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, let's do it.
Anthony.
Who deserves a thank you?
Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you.
Little Mermaid, would you get me a refill, please?
Oh, she's so cute. She's so cute.
She's very cute. Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, look at these.
Now that is a Navy chest.
Are you kidding me?
Check this out. What do you think about these, hmm?
Navy chest?
I'm a fucking idiot.
There you go.
Hi.
You came.
Yeah. I couldn't miss the biggest pool party of the summer.
I did have to use a rival rickshaw company, though.
I'm telling you, those other guys, they're not authentic.
That's what I hear.
You look really beautiful tonight.
Oh!
We are having fun now. You, you're so romantic.
I love it.
Whoa! Let's get comfy here.
That's nice, right? You okay?
Kinky.
I'm gonna be right back, okay?
You better be. Because I got a sitter for tonight.
Right. You're sitting on this.
Wow, okay...
Balls on the bull's-eye.
Hang tight. Bye, Ms. Greeley.
Should I get a condom? Yeah.
Yeah? Yeah.
Okay.
Here it is, totally sealed.
Wait, what is this? Is this a Magnum?
Let me see.
Oh, yeah, I guess. The ushe.
Oh, um...
I don't think I can do this.
What? Really?
Because I don't want to have sex with a weird giant dick.
Whoa, I don't have a giant dick. I have a big dick.
I don't have a big dick. I have a very average dick.
I just like a little extra room.
It's like baggy pants.
Gross. No, it's not. Okay, look, look, look.
You're going to like the way it looks, I guarantee it.
Are you sure? Yes.
Mary Ellen?
Did you have fun with Ms. Greeley?
Took you long enough.
Are you going to take your shirt off?
No, I'm okay.
I want you to. Why?
Because I like your body. I want to see it.
Really? Yeah.
See? That's much better. Yeah?
Cannonball.
Oh, I can't stop.
Rachel. What?
Rachel!
What?
Did you just call me Rachel?
No. Are you kidding me?
No. That was a joke.
Where's Danny Campbell?
I don't know Danny Campbell.
Rebecca. Wait.
It's perfect. It was a joke.
Everyone loves Rachel.
No, they... Well, okay.
Where's Danny Campbell?
Hey, you. Where's Danny Campbell?
Oh, shit.
We have to go.
Rebecca! Rebecca! Rebecca!
Hey. Where's Danny Campbell?
I don't know. Where are your fucking manners, asshole?
Whoa, hold on. Wait a minute. This is my dawg Pixy Stix right here.
Hey, police. Freeze.
What the fuck is this?
Everybody just chill out.
Who the fuck is this dude?
Yo, that's Victor. He's maintenance.
All I know is that I've got a lady situation that's exploding right now.
And your whole "Where's Danny?" routine
is just not working for me.
I have to go fucking deal with her. Get the fuck back.
Whoa, whoa. I'm right here.
Okay, Danny's right here.
You thought you were sending it to her, but you sent it to me instead.
Mr. Manicucci...
Leo, I...
I don't know what you think my intentions are for your daughter,
but I swear I am a gentleman.
You're a gentleman?
You text her a picture of your dick.
What? Why would I send you a picture of a dick?
I would never... Look at this.
Dad, stop. He would never send that to me.
Okay. We're gonna settle this once and for all right now.
We'll find out whose picture this is.
This way.
Rebecca! Rebecca!
Go back to partying.
That's correct.
Teenagers, please resume your drinking.
And a party it is.
People are crazy, man.
Hey.
Hey, Leo.
How's your daughter?
Come on. We're gonna go for a little ride, Chuck.
Yeah, hop in.
Oh.
I call shotgun then, all right, boys?
Look at you two. You smell great.
Dad.
What are you doing?
Make sure you have her home by midnight.
He's just kidding.
I don't have to be home till 1:00.
Hey, guys, you guys got to see my dick.
Hey. Do you want to maybe,
I don't know, go somewhere else?
Yeah.
Rebecca.
Rebecca, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Okay? I'm really sorry.
Ow!
Okay, I deserved that.
Okay.
I also deserved that.
Aah! Okay, no one deserves that. Oh, man.
Being a twin sucks. You know that?
Yes. I understand what it's like
to be compared to other people.
Being fat sucks, too.
So does staying home from college,
especially when your best friend's going to Harvard.
You're not fat.
And you're really, really beautiful. You're gorgeous.
And I did think you were Rachel at first.
But I'm really happy you're not.
And honestly,
I feel really lucky that I even got to kiss you.
Honestly?
A thousand percent.
I'm really hungry. Could we go back to the party?
Yeah, let's go.
Rachel...
I'm joking.
You better be joking.
Danny, this is beautiful.
My dad used to take me here
when I was little to look at the stars,
but you can't really see them because of the city.
all the lights on the bridge were little stars strung together.
Wait, um, how old were you again?
You're kind of funny, for a kid who's going to Harvard.
I'm a little jealous.
At least you're getting out of here.
You're doing something exciting with your life.
And I would kill to get off this island.
You can't leave. You're the Queen of Staten Island.
Do you know how horrible that sounds?
I mean, would you want to be the King of New Jersey?
I would, but they keep electing Bruce Springsteen.
I feel like you're the kind of girl
who wants to marry me, but not kiss me.
Well, I feel like you're the kind of guy that wants to kiss me,
but doesn't want to marry me.
What if we pretended to be different kinds of people for one night?
Okay.
You know we're not having sex, right?
Oh, I couldn't. I'd be thinking about your dad the whole time.
That's disgusting.
Aw, Frankie.
Skootch.
Hey, man, I got something for you.
What? Seriously?
Yeah, you earned it, man.
I mean, even a boner rescue is technically a save.
you could totally work here again next summer.
That's awesome, man.
Welcome to the big pool, kid.
What are you gonna do?
Probably just gonna stroll home.
Finish this beer.
Beyond that, I have no idea.
You're the best, Skootch.
Uh-oh.
Look at what we have here.
Oh, my God. That looks like a number-one party dude.
Shirt wide open.
It was a good night, huh?
Mmm-hmm.
Yes, it was.
Come. I'll walk you home. All right?
Hey.
Make us proud, you idiot.
Bye, Danny.
You know what? Give it a while
before you tell anyone at Harvard you're from Staten Island.
- Okay? - Yeah, don't do that.
Good luck with the exam.
Thank you, man. I appreciate that.
You know, I'm trying to be more eer-uh-dy-tee.
Oh, my God. That was really close to being a real word.
How about that?
Peace. See ya.
Bye. Later, guys.
I'll give you guys a minute.
I'll meet you out front. Okay.
That's a thing.
Congrats.
Thank you.
So, did you end up having sex?
No. You?
Yes.
What? Yes, I know.
Fuck. I'm sorry.
I realize that that's something we were
supposed to do together but separate.
You know, it's fine.
I'm happy for you.
If it makes you feel any better, that's Rebecca.
Wow.
Really? Yep.
They're identical twins, did you know that?
I always thought Rebecca was the cutest of the two.
Yeah. Me, too.
You know, I'm going to miss you, Frank.
I know.
I'll come up every other weekend.
You'll introduce me to your Harvard friends and
I'll reintroduce you to my parents.
This isn't the end of Frank and Danny.
We're still best friends.
We are.
Come here.
There he is. Hey.
Hey, guys. Sorry I'm so late.
How was Disney?
It was great.
It was very fun.
I'm really sorry I missed it.
No, I'm sorry. I overreacted. I just...
All right. Oh!
Oh, my baby.
I'm gonna miss you.
Me, too.
Are you sure you still want us to drive you up?
'Cause if you want to go alone, we understand that.
I'd really like you guys to drive me up.
Good, because we were going to regardless. Come on.
One sec. I need to grab something.
Hurry.
I can't believe he said yes. Now we have to drive him.
Got everything? Yep.
All right.
And we're off.
Yo, check this out.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wassup?
Wassup, baby?
What you got?
Wassup? What you got? What you got?
Come on, Pixy!
Wait, wait, wait.
He's got a gun.
Oh, shit.
- Give me that. - Sorry. I'm sorry.
Never. Sorry.
We still loved the rap, though.
Pixy! Pixy! Pixy! Pixy!